Weekday Wit

 

Poetic

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If, however, it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff,
Eats your food,
Uses your phone,
Takes your money and
Never notices you actually set it free in the first place,
You either married it or gave birth to it!

 

Freedom

Once upon a time there was a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, she always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to them. One day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she told herself, “He is such a sweet and gentle man, this cannot carry on.” So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work and she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the smell of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had far to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill-effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she suffered the effects and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.

Her husband to-be was excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, “Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.” He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang.

He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the phone. The baked beans, however, were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable. So while her partner was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go loudly. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. She did this three more times.
Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signalled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, Apologising for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a Happy Birthday!!!

 

Reverse psychology

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.”

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “There is no way they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “They’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”

 

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