Weekday Wit

 

Tiger Woods

One day, when a golfer is playing golf. Some tourists point and say “Tiger Woods!! Tiger Woods!!” The golfer is happy for a split second before realising there is a tiger coming out of the woods beelining for him.

 

Nope it’s not hi

A man dies in a horrible fire. The mortician thinks it is George, but the body is so badly burnt that somebody will need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George’s two friends, Joe and Al.
Joe: “He’s burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over.” Joe looks at the dead man’s buttocks and said, “Nope, that ain’t George.”
Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightens up the body and says nothing. He brings in Al.
Al: “Wow, he’s burnt to a crisp. Roll him over.” Again, “Nope, that ain’t George.”
Mortician: “How can you tell?”
Al: “George had two bums.”
Mortician: “What? How could he have two bums?”
Al: “Everybody knew George had two bums. Whenever the three of us go into town you’d hear people say, “Here comes George with those two bums!”

 

Just checking

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone – “Get me a coffee, quickly!”
The voice from the other side responds, “You fool you’ve dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to, dumbo?”
“No,” replies the trainee.
“It’s the CEO of the company, you fool!”
The trainee shouts back, “And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!”
“No.” replies the CEO indignantly.
“Good!” replies the trainee, and puts down the phone.

 

Cheater

Two men decide to go on a week-long ice fishing competition. The fisherman who catches the most fish at the end of the week will win the competition.
It was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota. There were to be no observers present, and both men went out separately on an isolated lake and were to return at 5PM with their catch.
At the end of the first day, John returned to the starting line and he had ten fish. Soon, Bill returned and had no fish. Everyone assumed he was just having a bad day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.
At the end of the 2nd day John came in with 20 fish and Bill came in again with none.
That evening, a friend got together secretly with Bill and said, “Bill, I think John is a low-life, cheatin’ scoundrel. I want you to go out tomorrow and don’t even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.”
The next night (after John returns with 50 fish), the friend says to Bill, “Well, tell me, how is John cheating?”
Bill replies, “You’re not going to believe this, but he’s cutting holes in the ice.”

 

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