Phonetics
Instead of ‘the John,’ I call my toilet ‘the Jim.’ That way it sounds better when I say I go to ‘the Jim’ first thing every morning.
Ingenuity
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch but they just lost their bull. They need to buy another but only have R500. The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.” She goes to the market and finds one for R499. With only R1 left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs R1 per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word ‘comfortable.’ Skeptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?” The redhead replies, “She’s a blonde so she reads slow: ‘Come for ta bull.'”
A quick getaway
Patient 1: Why did you run away from the operation table?
Patient 2: The nurse was repeatedly saying ‘don’t get nervous’, ‘don’t be afraid’, ‘be strong’, ‘this is a small operation only,’ things like that.
Patient 1: So what is wrong with that? Why were you so afraid?
Patient 2: She was talking to the surgeon!
Missing the present
A teacher is flying to Cape Town. She goes to the airport and sits down, waiting for her flight. In the corner she sees a weight machines that also tells your fortune. So, she thinks to herself, “I’ll give it a try just to see what it tells me.”
She goes over to the machine and puts R5 in and out comes a card that says, “You’re a teacher. You weigh 62kg and you are going to Cape Town.”
She sat back down and thinks about it. She tells herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decides to try it again. She puts her R5 in, and out comes a card that reads, “You’re a teacher. You weigh 62 kg. You’re going to Cape Town and you are going to play a fiddle.”
The teacher says to herself, “I know that’s wrong. I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life.” She sits back down. From out of nowhere, a musician comes over and sets his fiddle case down next to her. The teacher picks up the fiddle and starts playing beautiful music.
Startled, she looks back at the machine and says, “This is incredible! I’ve got to try it again!
Back to the machine she goes, puts her R5 in, and another card comes out. It says, “You’re a teacher, you weigh 62kg, you’re going to Cape Town and you’re going to break wind.”
Now, the teacher knows the machine is wrong. “I’ve never broken wind in public in my whole life!” Just then, she trips, falls off the scales and breaks wind.
Stunned, she sits up and looks at the machine. She says to herself, “This is truly unbelievable! I’ve got to try it one more time.”
She goes back to the machine, puts her R5 in and collects the card. It says, “You’re a teacher, you weigh 62 kg, you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Cape Town!!!”
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