Weekday Wit


The bright side

Mary is having a tough day and stretched out on the couch for some well-deserved complaining and self-pitying. She moans to her mom and brother, “Nobody loves me … the whole world hates me!” Her brother, busily playing a game, hardly looks up and passes on some encouragement: “That’s not true, Mary. Some people don’t even know you.”


A round about way

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.
Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, “Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?”
The patient calls back, “One moment!” And throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick. He pushes the stick into the ground and pulling out a carpenter’s level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.
With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.
Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, “It is now precisely 3:29pm, provided today is June 4, which I believe it is.”
The man can’t help but be impressed by this demonstration and sets his watch accordingly.
Before he leaves, he says to the patient, “That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?” The patient holds up his wrist and says, “I suppose I’d just look at my watch.”


Copy cat

n Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of its most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right, they are free to leave. This year the two lucky patients were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They are told to wait as the doctor gets their files. The doctor comes out and motions for Patty to come in for her questioning.
When Patty comes into the office, she is instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor. “Patty, you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all you have been told?” asks the doctor with a rather sly grin. Patty nods and the doctor begins to question her.
“Patty, if I were to poke out one of your eyes, what will happen?” “I will be half blind of course,” Patty answers without hesitation. “What will happen if I poke out the other eye?” “I will be completely blind,” says Patty knowing that she had just gotten her freedom. The doctor then sent her outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike’s files.
When Patty gets into the waiting room however, she tells Mike what the questions will be and what the correct answers are. The doctor calls in Mike and he follows the same procedure he had with Patty. “Mike, the first question is what will happen if I cut off your ear?” “I will be blind in one eye,” he says remembering what he was told.
This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he simply asks the other question so that he can figure out what the man is thinking. “Mike, what will happen if I cut off your other ear?” “I will be completely blind,” he answers with a smile as if he knows he passed.
But then the doctor asks him what his reasoning is, and he says flatly, “Me hat would fall down over me eyes.”


The test

Two college basketball players are taking an important final exam. If they fail, they will be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.
The last question read, “Old MacDonald had a ________.”
Bubba is stumped. He has no idea what to answer. But he knows he needs to get this one right to be sure he passes.
Making sure the professor isn’t watching, he taps Tiny on the shoulder. “Pssst, Tiny. What’s the answer to the last question?”
Tiny laughs. He looks around to make sure the professor hasn’t noticed then he turns to Bubba. “Bubba, you’re so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM.”
“Oh yeah,” says Bubba. “I remember now.”
He picked up his pencil and starts to write the answer in the blank. He stops. Tapping Tiny’s shoulder again, he whispers, “Tiny, how do you spell farm?”
“You are really dumb, Bubba. That’s so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O.”


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