Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.
A man who was in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he could be released.
The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.
“Tell me,” says he, “If we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?’
The inmate says, “It will be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful.”
“Marvellous,” says the head of the institution.
“Or else,” ruminates the inmate. “I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one’s life in bringing up a new generation of scientists.”
“Absolutely,” says the head.
“Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution.”
“An interesting possibility,” says the head.
“And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle.”
An old preacher is dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrive, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they enter the room, the preacher holds out his hands and motions for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasps their hands, sighs contentedly, smiles and stares at the ceiling. For a time, no one says anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer are touched and flattered that the old preacher asked them to be with him during his final moment.
They are also puzzled because the preacher has never given any indication that he particularly likes either one of them.
Finally, the Lawyer asks, “Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?”
The old preacher musters up some strength, then says weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I want to go, too.”
As a crowded elevator descends, Mrs. Silverman becomes increasingly furious with her husband, who is delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous young woman.
As the elevator stops at the main floor, the woman suddenly whirls, slaps Mr. Silverman, and says, “That will teach you to pinch!”
Bewildered, Mr. Silverman is halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he chokes, “I . . . I didn’t pinch that girl.”
“Of course, you didn’t,” replies his wife, consolingly. “I did.”
Click here to read more Weekday Wit