Hold on tightly
Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
You’ve got mail
An Illinois lady left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. Her husband is on a business trip and is planning to meet her there the next day.
When she reaches her hotel, she decides to send her husband a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which she wrote his email address, she does her best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, she misses one letter and her note is directed instead to an elderly widow, whose husband passed away only one day before.
When the grieving widow checks her e-mail, she takes one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and falls to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushes into the room and sees this note on the screen:
DEAREST HONEY: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.
Every night after dinner, Harry takes off for the local watering hole. He will spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually has trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and can’t get the door open. And, every time this happens, his wife will let him in. Then, she will proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But Harry still continues his nightly routine.
One day, the distraught wife is talking to a friend about her husband’s behaviour. The friend listens and suggests, “Why don’t you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways.” The wife thinks that this might be a good idea.
That night, Harry takes off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrives home in his usual condition.
His wife hears him at the door. She quickly opens it and lets Harry in. Instead of berating him, this time she takes his arm and leads him into the living room. She sits Harry down in an easy chair, puts his feet up on the foot stool, and takes his shoes off. Then, she starts to cuddle him a little. After a short while, she whispers to Harry, “It’s pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now; don’t you think?”
Harry replies in his inebriated state, “Heck, I guess we might as well. I’ll get in trouble when I get home anyway!”
John goes to the store and is only in there for about five minutes. When he comes out there is a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So, John goes up to him and says, “Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?”
He ignores John and continues writing the ticket. So, John calls him a stupid idiot. He glares at him and starts writing another ticket for having worn tyres!
Then John really gets angry at the cop. The cop finishes the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he starts writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more John abuses him, the more tickets he writes. John doesn’t care. His car is parked around the corner.
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