Weekday Wit

 

Operating instructions

A man walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The man is suitably impressed and buys it. The next day he returns it, saying, “This chainsaw is defective. It only cut down 1 tree and took ALL DAY!”

The salesman starts it up to see what’s wrong, and the man says, “What’s that noise?”

 

A bargain

A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: “No way. I don’t think you can pay for it.

The guy says, “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink?”
The bartender says, “Only if what you show me ain’t risqué.”

“Deal!” says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, climbs down, runs across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing a tune. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, “You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.”

The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

“Money or another miracle, or else no drink”, says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvellous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him R300 for the frog.

The guy says, “It’s a deal.”

He takes the money and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.
The bartender says to the guy, “Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for R300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy.”

“Not so,” says the guy, “The hamster is also a ventriloquist.”

 

Big John

A bar owner in the Old West just hired a timid new bartender. The owner of the establishment is giving his new hire some instructions on running the place. He tells the timid man, “If you ever hear that Big John is coming to town, drop everything and run for the hills!! He’s the meanest, biggest, nastiest outlaw who ever lived!!”

A few weeks pass uneventfully. But one afternoon, a local cowhand comes running through town yelling, “Big John is coming to town!! Run for your lives!!!”

When the bartender exits the saloon to start running, he’s knocked to the ground by several townspeople scurrying out of town. As he’s picking himself up, he sees a large man approaching the saloon, probably about 7 feet tall, muscular, grunting and growling as he walks. He stomps up to the door, orders the poor barkeep inside, and demands, “I want a beer NOW!!” He pounds his heavy fist on the bar, splitting it in half. The bartender nervously hands the big man a beer, hands shaking. He takes the beer, rips the top of the bottle off with his teeth, and downs the beer in one gulp. As the poor timid bartender cowers behind the bar, the big man gets up to leave.

“Do you want another beer?” the bartender calls out.

“Dang it, I don’t have time!!” the big man yells. “I gotta get out of town!!! Didn’t ya hear Big John is a-comin??”

 

17 Sept 2019

 

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