Weekday Wit

 

Depression

While shopping for a bathroom scale, a lady finds one that tracks not only weight but also body fat, bone mass, and water percentage. Instead she chooses a low-tech model. She explains, “I don’t need to be depressed four ways; one is quite enough.”

 

Clear evidence

A lawyer cross-examines a doctor about whether or not he checked the pulse of the deceased before signing a death certificate. “No I didn’t,” the doctor says. “And did you listen for a heartbeat?” asks the lawyer. “No I didn’t,” the doctor says. “So,” says the lawyer, “when you signed the death certificate, you didn’t ensure he was dead.” The doctor says, “Let me put it this way, the man’s brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere.”

 

Tunnel up ahead

Through the center of Czechoslovakia there’s a train speeding along. In one compartment of the train there are four people: a beautiful vivacious young woman, an old matronly woman, a Russian soldier, and a Czech dissident.

Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel. It is completely dark. Then a loud kiss is heard and an equally powerful slap. When the train exits the tunnel, the Russian soldier is holding the side of his face, and the Czech dissident is grinning his face off.
The old matronly woman thinks: “Now that’s a fine young woman, the Russian soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one!”
The young woman is thinking: “Now that’s a strange Russian soldier, he’d rather kiss that old hag than me.”
The Russian soldier is thinking: “Now that’s a smart Czech, he steals the kiss and I get slapped.”
And the Czech dissident is thinking: “Gee I’m smart! We go through the tunnel, I kiss the back of my hand and get away with slapping a Russian soldier.”

 

 

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