An education
An elderly man is stopped by police around 2am and asked where he is going this time of night. The man replies, “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects on the human body, as well staying out late and smoking.
The officer asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture this time of night?
The man replies, “That would be my wife.”
An easy choice
A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, “You’re in luck, two hearts just became available, so you can choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker.”
The man quickly responds, “The attorney’s”.
The doctor says, “Wait! Don’t you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?”
The man says, “I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney’s probably never used his. So I’ll take the attorney’s!”
Quick wit
A henpecked husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. “You don’t have to let your wife bully you,” she says, “Go home and show her you’re the boss.”
The husband decides to take the doctor’s advice.
He goes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife’s face, and growls, “From now on you’re taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You’re going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?”
“I certainly do,” says his wife calmly, “The undertaker.”
Referrals
Five doctors go duck hunting one day. In the group is a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, a bird comes winging overhead. The first to react is the GP who raises his shotgun but then hesitates.
“I’m not quite sure it’s a duck,” he says, “I think that I will have to get a second opinion.” And of course by that time, the bird is long gone.
Another bird appears in the sky thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, is unsure if it is really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. “I’ll have to do some more investigations,” he mutters, as the creature makes good its escape.
Next to spy a bird flying is the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he is more certain of his intended prey’s identity.
“Now, I know it’s a duck, but does it know it’s a duck?” The fortunate bird disappears while the fellow wrestles with this dilemma.
Finally, a fourth fowl speeds past and this time the surgeon’s weapon points skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turns nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him.
“Go see if that was a duck, will you?”
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