Literal answers
Two men are waiting for a bus. Between them lies a dog. One says to the other, “Does your dog bite?” The other replies, “No my dog doesn’t bite.” So he pets the dog who almost bites off his hand.
He says, “I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite?!”
The other man replies, “Yes I know I did, but that ain’t my dog.”
Monkey business
A cop is surveying a car crash. Two people have died in the crash. When he sees a monkey come out of the wreck, the cop says, “Man I wish you could talk, then you can tell me what happened.”
“Oh but I can,” replies the monkey.
“Well what were the couple doing?” questions the cop.
“Kissing,” replies the monkey.
“They were kissing?” asks the cop.
“Yes,” answers the monkey, “And smoking.”
“At the same time?!” cries the cop.
“Yes, and drinking,” replies the monkey.
“So let me get this straight,” says the cop. “They were kissing, smoking, and drinking at the same time.”
“Yep,” answers the monkey.
“Then what were you doing?” asks the cop.
“Driving,” answers the monkey.
Doctor’s orders
Doctor: “I see you’re over a month late for your appointment. Don’t you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What’s your excuse?”
Patient: “I was just following your orders, Doc.”
Doctor: “Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order.”
Patient: “You told me to avoid people who irritate me.”
One tiny problem…
A man walks into a therapist’s office looking very depressed. “Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.”
“What’s the problem?” the doctor inquires.
“Well, I’m 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.”
“My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you’ll have women buzzing all around you.”
The man is content with this advice and walks out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returns with the same downtrodden expression on his face. “Did my advice not work?” asks the doctor.
“It worked alright. For the past several weeks I’ve been getting attention from the most fabulous looking women.”
“So, what’s your problem?”
“I don’t have a problem,” the man replied. “My wife does.”
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