Accidental confession
Dennis is on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store when he fires his lawyer.
He was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testifies that Dennis was the robber.
He jumps up, accuses the woman of lying and then says, “I should have gotten rid of you,” pauses then quickly adds, “If I’d been the one that was there.”
The jury took 20 minutes to convict Dennis and recommended a 30-year sentence.
More than you bargained for
Three guys are having a relaxing day of fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid — who begs to be set free, in return for granting each of them a wish.
One of the guys just doesn’t believe it and says, “Okay, if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ.”
The mermaid says, “Done.”
Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly, and analysing what he’s recited with great insight.
The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid, “Triple my I.Q.”
The mermaid says, “Done.”
The guy starts to spout solutions to problems that have been stumping all the great scientists of the world: the mathematicians, physicists, chemists, and so on.
The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends that he says to the mermaid, “Quintuple my IQ”
The mermaid looks at him and says, “You know, I normally don’t try to change people’s minds when they make a wish, but I really think you should reconsider.”
The guy says, “Nope, I want you to multiply my IQ times five and if you don’t do it, I won’t set you free.”
“Please,” the mermaid says, “You don’t know what you’re asking! It’ll change your entire view on the universe. Won’t you ask for something else, a million dollars, anything?”
But no matter what the mermaid says, the guy insists on having his IQ increased to five times its usual power.
Finally, the mermaid sighs and says, “Done.”
And he turns into a woman.
Out of pocket expenses
A medical doctor and an HMO manager are at the gates of heaven.
Saint Peter asked them what they did on earth.
The doctor replies, “I healed people.”
Saint Peter says, “You may enter.”
Then the HMO manager said, “I helped people get cost-effective health care.”
Saint Peter says, “You may enter but you can only stay two days.”
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